I'm in my early thirties. I work most of my waking hours and haven't been on a legitimate date in nearly 4 years. Over ninety percent of the folks who work for my employer are married and there are very few gay men, let alone single gay men. With work taking so much of my time, it's difficult to find the energy to go out on the weekends, and the bar scene doesn't do it for me the same way it used to. Sure, it's nice to get out and have some drinks, do a little dancing and flirt with that stranger in the cute sweater. But too often the night ends, not poorly, but just ends: no numbers exchanged, no tantalizing conversations had, no late night romp in sight.
Lately I've received a lot of advice from my friends and the general consensus is that a bar is not the place to look for a steady relationship. The fact that this is such a daunting revelation arises from the realization that bars are the only place I've ever met anyone! In response, I ask where I should be looking. The two answers are church and interest groups. Church doesn't appeal and that leaves social clubs, groups where people with similar interests meet to talk about or engage in said interest. There are athletic clubs: tennis, volleyball, running, kayaking; hobby groups: knitting, crocheting, cooking, writing; and professional groups. I go the gym alone. I don't really have any other hobbies and the folks in my profession are often socially incapable. This is enough to rule out social clubs, but my friends persist.
The real problem to me seems to be the fact that once you leave college, you aren't forced into social interactions: you aren't living in a dorm, you don't spend your meals in a crowded dining hall, you aren't in class with potential dates. Even making friends after relocating can be difficult. The perception then is that if you make it through your educational experience without finding a mate then you're out of luck. I know this isn't entirely true, but being surrounded by married people for most of my day makes it seem like a reality. The trick then is to find some way to put yourself out there. And here you have to be careful. I've been mistaken for a hooker one too many times. It's funny, but there are plenty of neighborhoods where a young gay man walking down the street alone at two in the morning wearing a wife-beater (a cute one) and overly tight jean shorts screams, “Hey creepy men, I'm a hooker...and cheap to boot!” If you enjoy being paid for sex, then by all means, just make sure to ask for cash. More to the point, being out alone can be intimidating, but when you're new to a city you may not have a choice. Be aware of the fact then that you may be perceived in an entirely different light than you intend.
So how do you meet someone? I don't really know, but as an academic, I'm very good at making plans. I have a daily calendar filled with sticky notes on top of other sticky notes, I make to-do lists like there's no tomorrow, and I can develop a ten week course in a matter of hours. It seemed obvious then that I should apply this skill to dating. As adults, relationships often require us to go out of our way and seek out potential friends and/or mates. This is terribly intimidating, but also exhilarating. The plan below is my current strategy for dating. As a disclaimer, be aware that I'm terribly obsessed with order and clarity.
Phase 0: Identify your victim. Always be on the lookout, be it in a bar or at work or the commute to work, etc. Constant vigilance.
Phase 1: Introductions. This one can be tricky but you have to find a non-creepy way to meet the person identified in phase 0. At a bar, you can just walk over and introduce yourself. On the train, or however you get to work, this is little more complicated. If the train is crowded, it's wouldn't be considered rude to share a seat, but don't just throw yourself down if there are plenty of available options. Work is also slightly complicated. If it's someone you interact with frequently, chat it up and see if there are common interests. If you don't have a real reason to talk with them, you might have to do some sleuthing to find a compelling, and again non-creepy, reason to introduce yourself. In this day and age, I find email a perfectly legitimate way to do this but only after having something funny or interesting to share with the coworker. And yet again, don't be creepy. Workplace harassment will get you into trouble. What's cute to you may be interpreted as the need for a restraining order to someone else. Don't be creepy. If you're creepy, stop reading this.
Phase 1.5: Waiting. Many of the phases are simply about waiting which I find to be the hardest part of the whole system. This time around, you wait to see if they respond. If you've introduced yourself in person, then this one will take no time at all. If it goes well, proceed to Phase 2. Otherwise, return to Phase 0. If you've used email or some other social networking system, this phase is unavoidable. They may respond quickly or not at all. In the meanwhile, you have to stay calm. Don't send a second email. Don't become obsessed. This one is particularly difficulty for me as I have a naturally obsessive personality. When I find something new that I really like, e.g. an artist, a book, a tv show, etc., I absorb it. I buy all the books in the series. I buy all the albums by the artist. The internet lends itself to this kind of bad behavior. It's not good to know too much about a person before you actually meet them. Context is important. Go to the gym and relax.
Phase 2: Setting up the first encounter. I don't want to call it a date. It may not be a date. If the previous phases have gone well, then it's acceptable to ask them to get a coffee, or a drink after work, or go to lunch, but don't go too far. A night with dinner and a movie is potentially too far, but be open if they suggest something more involved. You don't want to seem overly pushy, but be clear and forward. Identify specific days/times that work for you. If they don't work for the potential date, be flexible. If their schedule is complicated, rearrange yours, but within reason. You don't want to appear desperate. If you are desperate, mask it well.
Phase 2.5: The first encounter. Relax. Be yourself. Don't gush on about past relationships. Don't talk about the fact that you're so busy at work that you don't have time for a personal life. That sends mixed messages and clarity is best at this early stage. Be light. Smile. Order appropriately, e.g. don't have 4 drinks at lunch. I tend to get really antsy and excited. I talk on and on and don't give anyone else a chance to get a word in. My friends offer good advice, if also slightly brutal. “Just remember to not talk and sit real still.” “Don't eat like a fatty.” “Remember to sit with your good ear near him.” These tips are all particular to me and they're all totally relevant. I talk too much. I bounce about. I eat and eat and eat. I'm partially def in one ear and say, “WHAT?” a lot. Your friends know you...listen to them.
Phase 3: Follow up to the first encounter. In my twenties it seemed like there were a million rules to dating. The one that perplexed me most was how long you should wait after the first outing to call or send an email. As an adult, I now realize that these rules are stupid. If you have a good time, send a quick note saying so. To be clear here, you should wait a little while, but later that same day is fine. You do not have to abide by the rule of the forty-eight hour wait that was suggested to me at the age of twenty-three. And keep it short. Express the fact that you had a good time. If he payed, play with that and say would like to return the favor sometime soon. Also, pull something from the conversation as a reference. This shows you're a good listener. It's all about selling, playing the game. But keep it short. Don't recount the entire conversation and certainly do not sound like you've already talked about a second outing, unless you have in fact talked about a second outing. He gets to decide if he's willing to go another round. As a side note, if he's aware that you're following this strict set of rules, he might decide against a second outing, so don't mention it.
Phase 3.5: Waiting. Here it is again. This one always makes me more panicky than the first waiting phase. We've met and if I sent the follow up email, that means I would like to meet up again, but I have no idea what he's thinking. Did I talk to much? Did he see when the string bean fell out of my mouth? Was I boring? Too much eye contact? I can convince myself that I did everything horribly wrong in an instant and this can drive you crazy, especially if he doesn't respond for a few days. Don't let it. He's got a life and that's a good thing. Go to the gym and relax.
Phase 4: Setting up the first date. Assuming he responds positively, this is now the time for the first real date. In theory this should be much easier because you've broken the ice, but chances are that you still don't know that much about your new beau. Again, be flexible, but dinner and a drink is now an acceptable proposition. He's coming back for more so there must be some mutual interest.
Phase 4.5: The first date. The advice from 2.5 is still pertinent. Don't throw your entire life out there. Take it in stride and let the conversation go where it will. Tell some stories but avoid telling that one about the time you passed out drunk and semi-naked in your front yard, unless you feel that's where the conversation is going. Don't drink too much. You haven't totally sealed the deal and don't want to come off as a lush. Also, don't start talking about the wedding! It's only the first date and you will most likely, more so than not, scare him off if you start talking about color palettes at this point. I know gay marriage is a new thing, but we're not lesbians!
At this point you're on your own. Assuming the date goes well and you're both still interested, you still need to keep your head. Don't gush and swoon because he's so dreamy. I've dated a few charmers – it's an act. Don't convince yourself that it's not going anywhere. Enjoy what you have or find a new date. And believe me, I know this doesn't apply to everyone. Some people are much better suited to the dating game than others. However, for those of us who are impaired in this area, it never hurts to have a plan.
As a last suggestion, don't sleep with him too soon. For years this was my tactic – get him into bed as quickly as possible. He'll never call you back if you do. You've done it, I've done it, we all do it. The gays (possibly guys in general, but I have little experience sleeping with straight men) are notorious for this. If you give it up too quickly, there's no reason to get to know you unless it was the most fantastic sex ever, and even so, you've already taken all the curiosity out of the first few encounters. I've had some great one-night stands, but have heard from only a handful after the fact. The most infuriating ones are those that seemed genuinely interesting and/or interested in me, so why the rush. If they're interested, a few dates isn't too much to ask. Relieve yourself privately if you must, but keep it to yourself for the first few meetings.
Disclaimer 2: Grain of salt.
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